Since last year, it seemed like every time I opened my social media, there was news from the gist blogs about one celebrity couple or another, either getting divorced or breaking up. This led to the release of a popular song most of us know, which goes, “breakup na national cake, e go touch everybody, e don touch my guy, I dey wait for my turn o.”

And it got me thinking: what was really going on, and how could they all possibly be getting it wrong? We all know it does not feel great when two people you’ve been rooting for suddenly go their separate ways. But in reality, nothing ever just happens suddenly. It’s usually a buildup of events or emotions that finally come to a breaking point.

Nobody wakes up one day and says, “I’m done.” Before coming to that conclusion, the person would have undoubtedly been contemplating it in their mind, and, except for most cases of infidelity that come as a surprise to the other party, the other person would have most likely been ignoring signs or brushing issues under the carpet. Issues that, if unresolved, have the potential to destroy a relationship. 

I found a post on social media (although I don’t know where it originated from) that mentioned some things that can kill a relationship. I agreed with the points listed by the author and decided to elaborate on them and share them for the benefit of our readers. It’s essential to be aware of certain things that have a high ability to ruin relationships. So, whether you’re in a relationship or single but want to date, pay attention to these things so you can be aware of them, but not just aware, but also take action to better yourself and work on your relationship.

Ignoring Unresolved Past Trauma

“Hurt people, hurt people,” as the saying goes. This simply means that when people are hurt and do not heal, they will end up hurting others, even if they do not intend to. This is why it is critical to be self-aware and seek help if you have been hurt. This will keep you from inflicting harm on other people who come into your life. You cannot force or will yourself into another relationship to heal from past wounds. Unless you have acknowledged and are working on yourself, that is the only time another person can be a source of encouragement and assistance in your healing process. However, it is still advisable to work on yourself before opening up to anyone else.

Not Paying Attention to Belief Systems and Values

This is right up there with the first point I mentioned. Many people gloss over their partners’ belief systems and values because they are seemingly in love. But the thing about belief systems and values is that they always come out at some point and usually cause a stir. Before entering into a relationship, one of the first things to consider is how well your values and belief systems align. Do you share certain political, religious, or cultural beliefs? What are your deal breakers? What are the things on which you will not budge? These are crucial discussions that must be had and agreed upon before marriage.

Inability to express and regulate feelings.

A couple on Netflix’s new dating reality show “The Ultimatum” had constant problems because one person complained that the other was unable to express how they felt, which negatively affected their relationship. They eventually broke up at the end of the show, and one of the main reasons was one person’s inability to express how she felt. Being in a relationship with someone who can’t express how they feel is one of the most frustrating aspects, especially when they’re with someone whose love language is words of affirmation. But, aside from words of affirmation, being able to express oneself and convey one’s feelings to one’s partner is essential for communication and understanding. No one can read minds, and sometimes actions aren’t enough. Your partner needs to hear how you feel about certain things and them. The other issue is the inability to regulate one’s feelings. This doesn’t mean suppressing one’s feelings, but rather the ability to effectively exert control over our emotions. It has a lot to do with emotional intelligence, and for some, it is something that requires putting in a lot of work to learn. 

Not Being Aware of Emotional Triggers

Quite many people go from zero to a hundred in an argument, and they leave others wondering what exactly happened. This is because they are unaware of certain emotional triggers they have. Self-awareness plays a big role when it comes to being aware of emotional triggers because some people will still blame their outbursts on others rather than looking in and taking stock of their emotions. If you notice, or you’ve been told by your partner or others around you, that you tend to fly off the handle during certain conversations, then you need to figure out why you do that and get to work on resolving it.

A “Be More Like Me” mentality

Some people want to turn their partners into second versions of themselves. If you like yourself so much, why don’t you just date yourself? Quit trying to turn your partner into you. Give people the freedom to be who they are, and if you do not like what they present, then you’re better off finding somebody else.

Lack of self-awareness and accountability

Everything I have said till now boils down to this point. The lack of self-awareness is the reason why the points made above become an issue in the first place. And lack of accountability is why these issues lead to a breakup. Self-awareness means you’re able to spot developing issues within yourself on time, and accountability means you’re able to take responsibility for your actions or inactions and take steps towards fixing them.

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