In the relationship, things were fine, till they weren’t. We’re constantly arguing and when we’re not, there’s tension in the air. We’re both keeping secrets. There’s nothing to talk about anymore. There’s no motivation to make me want to see him anymore. The spark is gone. The feeling is mutual, between the both of us, I believe. 

‘I can’t do this anymore.’ I gather up the courage to say. Our love has come and gone. It’s a normal thing, people fall in love, and people break up. I feel okay. I’m not crying. I re-read the chat we had earlier. The meek reply of  ‘The feeling is mutual.’ is leaving me boiling. He’s meant to fight for me. My friends insult him to make me feel better. It doesn’t. Send me a paragraph about how much you love me and how you want to fight for us. That was selfish of me to think, but still. I’m feeling okay again. 

He’s my first thought when I wake up. I missed him. I missed our relationship. The feeling of knowing he was mine wasn’t there anymore. It’s been a week. ‘Should I call?’ My pride argued and said no. I listened to my pride. If he needs me he’ll call. It’s been a month now. Everything reminds me of him. Even the color yellow makes me remember that he has a yellow shirt. ‘I don’t care’ I persuaded myself. I cried myself to sleep. 

It’s been months. I got drunk and poured my heart out through a message. Hoping he’d do the same. He said to go to sleep so I don’t get hurt. I lashed out about how he doesn’t know anything about how I feel. I blocked him. I don’t want to hear from him ever again. I meant nothing to him. He called. We met up and spoke. He called it ‘closure’ and said we should both move on. I feel empty inside but I smile and agree. I want to hate him, but I can’t because I messed it up. How dare him be the mature one? I miss his maturity. I unblock him.

I’m keeping up with him, from afar through social media. It’s been a year now. Advice I’ve heard is ‘Time to heal.’ Time isn’t doing anything. His playlists make me cry. I passed by where we met today. I cried myself to sleep. He posted a quote about something we‘ve shared before. Is the message for me? Should I respond? I did. He said it was just a memory. I look like a fool. 

What did I do wrong? If I had just apologized would we still be together? I miss him and think about him everyday. Does he feel the same? It’s been two years now. I still think about him, casually. But I’m okay. He feels like a distant memory now. I’ll try and convince myself about that till I actually believe it.

This article was written by Olarunda Chinda; connect with her on Instagram via here  

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