Heartbreak. The sorrowful end to a happy, once blooming relationship. A vague word but when heard, it resurrects a variety of feelings.
The days after a heartbreak, you’re presented two choices: either acceptance of the situation with you moving on or you fighting off the first choice, presenting final plea to your ex by begging for another chance. But in most cases, the latter choice is always futile.
What results after a heartbreak is a mix of feelings you can’t just describe. One minute, you’re giggling online, laughing with a friend yet at night, you’re restless, switching aimlessly from one app to another, searching for succor and comfort. Your lover is gone. The one who you tell things to when your heart aches has blocked you.
In 2018, these were my experiences. I was this happy-go kid, never sad, not-serious-with-life, broke but as a teen, the troubles of life couldn’t take away my excitement. The frustrations of being a student were there, coupled with the struggles of trying to eat and also showing up everyday on social media platforms. “Subscriptions dey kill me.”
So when I fell in love, that happy state was amplified. Love is a free feeling, like a state of assuredness knowing someone loves you and you putting your all in that person too. No side girls. No distractions. It’s just you and your partner in one world you’ve both built. But that world was disrupted when she left.
Sometimes, heartbreak even hits hard when that partner has blocked you or forever cut off communication with you. No way you can reach her. You know it hits harder when she doesn’t tell you why she’s breaking up with you. She doesn’t just want to be with you. She’s no longer interested. Welcome to the end game.
The effect was huge. From being the expressive kid who couldn’t find fault with life, I became a man who wasn’t interested in human interactions. I began keeping to myself, being reluctant to go out, and that funny side of me reclined. Clueless and not interested. Sleep occurred several times a day. But that didn’t heal me.
Here’s what I did.
Around that period, you may feel a playlist of Taylor Swift and Adele’s tracks should aid your expression. But those aren’t expressed in native lingua franca. Heartbreak is a universal topic, but I needed someone to address this on beats I can relate with. Not sorrowful, haunting ones. So it was through trial and error I discovered a song.
His debut album, Talk About Me rarely made rounds that period but through Falling, it turned me into an evangelist preaching the gospel of that tape.
Amidst the variety of feel good tracks distilled in that album, Falling struck with heartwarming awesomeness.
Ladipoe’s lyrics, coated in its usual familiar voice, described the wistful reflections that happens after a heartbreak.
When he said: “I should’ve taken more care when I stepped up to be the one that you had chosen,” it reminded me of times when my ex would complain about me not calling regularly the week leading to the breakup. If only she could understand the development I was subjecting myself to. Far from each other because of the holiday, I was reading a lot, swerving from one blog to the other, trying to improve my writing skills. Dead ass broke at that time, I found it hard to be a man who has a girl but couldn’t take care of her. Well, I was somehow stupid because at 20, I was heaping pressure on myself to take care of someone who has a father at home.
As the song strides on, Ladipoe disperses another phrase that grabs my attention, “I wish we could go back”. Reminded me of how I begged (continued to beg till Dec 31). The days after the heartbreak made me realize mistakes I had made and if I could be given another chance, I would be a better man for this girl.
While Falling chronicled the death of a relationship, the next two songs helped to purge those sorrowful feelings. Mood, in its laid back, feel good sound sunk me into more introspection. I didn’t need to understand the lyrics of Ladipoe and its meaning, this mellow, smooth song plunged me into more thinking. I was already shedding off the emotional baggage, coming to a state of acceptance that it’s all over. It’s time to move on. But I was still doubting if I could ever move on from this girl.
But then the next track, Win Win came on. Drenched in self confidence on this Afro-trap beat, it’s like stepping into new waters of growth. What’s the after life after an heartbreak? Keep to yourself or actively, furiously chase the good things of life?
“Big Dreams (of course)/Drip drip (of course)/Chop life (of course)”. The old life is done, all that remained for me was to take up the gauntlet and do all it takes to achieve these dreams. I had shed off every pain in my heart (though I still continued to think of her sometimes), so I now had to forge my own path.
January 1 2019. On the crossover night, I blew a prayer to God, I’m over this. Give me energy to surge forward. I don’t want to go back to the past.
Music played a part in my healing. As Ladipoe sang on Hello Goodbye, he said: “Sometimes you have to let things go…There’s no bandage that can heal the pain…Yeah, we just have let it go.”
This article was written by Olabode Otolorin; connect on Instagram with him here